A DATING GUIDE: From someone who has never dated!

Andy Ward
4 min readApr 11, 2016

Congrats! You are ready to get out there. To meet someone. To fall in love.

Maybe you are ready to forget about your previous relationship, or maybe you just finished watching Ratatouille and really appreciated the love story.

Regardless of the circumstance, I want to help. Now, you are probably wondering — how can I give advice for something I am not qualified to do at all? Simple! Just ask Dr. Phil, he does it all the time.

Here are some guidelines:

  1. Stock up on some killer stories!

Now, if you want to date — you will recognize that you will have to converse with this person quite a bit. If you want to be successful in the dating game, bring your A game with stories. I am not talking “one time I met Steve Nash at the movie theater” I am talking more like “one time I was held at gunpoint and since I did not have cash on me, he accepted the Big Mac I had in my hand.” Honestly, how could that story get better? I am not too sure. Maybe if the gunman realized what a horrible life he was living, and then gave the hamburger to a homeless person and then became a monk, that would be pretty cool. Hm, back to the point. If you have loaded stories, your date will think you are interesting and then they will want to create more of these adventurous memories with you.

2. Try to ‘Catfish’ them

This may seem like a crazy tactic. It may even seem deceitful. The truth is we live in the world full of Instagram filters and contoured abs. This is just the nature of the game nowadays. What I have realized through binge watching ‘Catfish’ is that Nev is very hairy and loves to gay-bait his audience. What I have also learned is that about 1/10th of the episodes, the couple actually sticks together! Yes, you will have to expend a lot energy talking to this person and building up a relationship to have it possibly fail, but think about the payoff — you could be dating someone who is OK with the fact that you are not a model. When following this tip, do not forget that during your initial “reveal” REALLY hit home the fact that you have a great personality.

EXTRA DATING TIP: If you do choose to Catfish someone with one of your friends Facebook pictures, don’t forget to delete and block them so they never find out that you are working on your dating life!

3. Treat every date like you are on the Bachelor/Bachelorette

Nothing screams romance more than the Bachelor or the Bachelorette. For that same reason, during your date when you feel like you have to recap something you enjoyed or disliked about the date, ask to excuse yourself and give a personal confession or an aside. This can be done just to the open air, or extra credit points if you record yourself and upload this to social media. Your date may wonder why you are talking to yourself, but once you explain “it’s like a reality show” they will instantly understand and feel so appreciative for the environment you are attempting to create.

4. After your first date, send them a picture of what your baby would look like.

Babies = commitment. After you have your first date run home and jump on the computer. Look up makemebabies.com or any of those websites that generate what your baby would look like if you had one. Generate the baby for your date, text them the picture and also upload it to Facebook and tag them in it. Hook, line, and sinker.

5. Listen!

Listening and communication are key to a great relationship. When you are on your date, bring a tape recorder and record everything that your date had to say. After the date, go home and write down everything they said, while underlining interesting points. If there was anything questionable they said, write up follow-up and discovery questions. During your next amazing date, bring up these points. Your date will be so pleased to know that you were really listening, and when they make egregious comments like “I make the best quiche ever” you can follow up with facts and let them know the bakery on 32nd street actually has better quiche.

6. Create a couples Instagram!

This is a fun way to bond with someone. You can capture all of the hip events that you and your date go on. If it turns out that they’re not interested in you — no worries! Just go ahead and delete all of the pictures and start new with your next date.

Ah, love! What a truly beautiful thing. I’m not one hundred percent all of this will turn out perfectly, because, I have yet to test any of these tips out. HOWEVER, I am one hundred percent positive that Ratatouille deserves the 96% rating it received by Rotten Tomatoes.

So, there’s no time to waste! Start Catfishing and start accepting love into your life!



Andy Ward

25 writer, comedian. wants to be in Ina Garten’s inner circle