I’ve been overweight all my life. Genetics? Hypothyroidism? Too much McDonalds growing up? Who knows. All I know is that I have never been skinny or a “normal” weight, except the time when I was a newborn, I think I was a normal weight then.
When I was ten years old I moved to Phoenix. Ten is right about the age when your hormones start to kick in full drive, and you become more aware of your body. I wasn’t the only one starting to realize my body, others were too. Now, ten is also the age of when you start to find you true group to just settle in with and coast until high-school or whatever. This wasn’t going to happen for me. Even more so because, not only was I the weird kid with a funny accent and the one who called backpacks “book bags” I was the hippo that called backpacks “book bags.”
Fast forward to high school, I think people kind of just accepted that I was overweight and all the fat jokes they could throw at me had been retired. Not only that, but I had joined Jenny Craig (I recommend the lemon cakes) and lost some pounds. In high school, I had realized that I was gay and it was difficult because it had just put me on the market to be humiliated and bullied again. “Andy have you ever made out with a girl?” “Have you ever had sex with a girl?” From the surface it doesn’t seem like bullying, but the implied notion was a witchhunt to make me say “I’M GAY!” Then when I admitted it, people could throw their pitchforks in ire at me. Looking back, maybe if I owned it, people would have left me alone. But kids in high school are horrible, so I doubt it.
Continuing on to present day me. The only way gay people can really meet is by means of gay bars, gay “dating” apps, and glory holes. (That last one is just a joke, kinda. Don’t Google it.) I find myself always defending my weight and questioning my self worth. Why don’t I want to send you a full body shot? I don’t know? I felt that our conversation was meaningful enough that I didn’t have to? Even when I meet guys the conversation is difficult. “Wow I didn’t know that you would be big like me.” “Your body is fluffy.” Which only leads to disconnection and people ignoring me. People are just ashamed to be with me because I am a bigger guy.
I do go to the gym every time I get the chance, and trust me I always order the egg white omelette. It’s not laziness. However, even if it was, I don’t feel that is appropriate to ignore me as a person or belittle me due to my size. Men are very visual, and gay men even more so, and I understand that, I just wish that they could take the time to see what’s inside as well.
