I interviewed Paul Deen over the weekend, and I wanted to fill you in on some details and what we chatted about on her ranch.
I was watching some Youtube videos of Nardwuar — he’s the oddball interviewer who in his lifetime has interviewed many musical artists. If you’re unfamiliar, he’s a well respected media mogul from Canada- he looks like a mix between Howard Stern and a clown. He said he got his first gig interviewing because he just asked. His first time interviewing someone was Snoop Dog, he simply asked, and got the OK. This is his advice to many starting interviewers, and he gives this advice freely — and he always want you to know, what could happen — they say no? Who cares!
I thought I would do the same! So I took my phone out, went to Twitter and hit up Paula Deen. I tweeted at her “got some free time, want an interview?” To which she responded in kind “Why not — come on over!”
Paula Deen lives on one of the largest owned plots of land in America, deep in the heart of Savannah, Georgia. She let me know that her ranch isn’t very accessible by roadway — and that the easiest way to get to her place would be by flying and she would help arrange travel.
I was somewhat confused by this, and as I showed up to the airport, some of her employees met me, and I was instructed to wear what appeared to be skydiving gear. They let me know that we would be skydiving and then parachuting into the Deen Ranch and I would be flying tandem with an older lady named Lucile — she had big brown curly hair that reminded me of Fran Drescher in the Nanny. Lucile let me know that I was in good company, and that she was previously in the army. I asked her, what she did for the army, and she let me know she was in the reserves.
We flew in without a hitch, until we were freefalling and I asked Lucile when do we open the parachute, and she couldn’t hear me because of the wind, and because she was munching on a ostrich Slim Jim. She then appropriately opened our parachute, and all seemed well until we had an extremely bumpy landing, and we landed on Paula’s zucchini patch and I bumped my head on one of the biggest gourds I had ever seen.
I was then awoken and met by another one of Paula’s employees, who had a clipboard and a headset, who could have been a producer on the ranch. “Hi! You must be Andy, we were expecting you about 5 minutes ago — won’t you follow me?” I woke up, unbuckled myself from Lucile and brushed myself off.
We walked onto Paula’s property, and the producer led me to a part of the house that had sliding doors, which opened up to a dojo looking area, and in the middle of a foam mat was Paula Deen in a karate uniform, in a chokehold with a younger athletic build man.
Paula greeted me and let me know that she was just finishing up her tae-kwon-do, and she introduced me to Derrick, who was her tae-kwon-do mentor but also her life coach, sex-instructor, and gay best friend. “So nice to meet you Derrick,” I said “Should we conduct the interview here?” She shook her head no and let me know she would have to freshen up and I could meet her in one of the 6 kitchens she had on the property.
I chose a cute kitchen I found with the help of the producer. The producer than asked me if I wanted coffee, I am always up for some coffee. “Let me make you some.” she said. She went off to a different room, and then she came back with the largest mug I have ever seen in my life. It had to have been two gallons of coffee. “Thanks so much,” I replied. Do as the Romans do, I thought.
Paula came down from one of her staircases with kitten heels, a yellow gingham dress, and a cigarette lit in the side of her mouth. “Let’s get this thing started” she said. “Do you smoke?” I wanted to be honest, and I said I only smoke marijuana, to which she replied “we have that too” and then she gestured to one of her employees to go get some.
Here follows our interview:
Andy Ward: What lessons have you learned from quarantine and COVID?
Paula Deen: Drink good whiskey, listen to good music, have good sex, and hire a good podiatrist.
AW: A podiatrist?
PD: A foot doctor.
AW: Got it. What has been some comfort food you’ve made during quarantine?
PD: Flaming hot cheetohs mozzarella sticks. The recipe is actually coming out in my cookbook next year, it’s sponsored by Cheetohs and Tums. So every recipe has to include one of those items.
AW: How do you integrate the Tums?
PD: Well, normally I’ll just tell people to eat it after the recipe. OH- but I also have a cotton candy Tums recipe. You crush up the Tums really fine, and then you put the powder into a cotton candy machine and make cotton candy.
AW: That sounds delicious. What is the best advice you have been given?
PD: Hire a good lawyer. Also, switch to an e-cigarette before bed. Actually, the best advice would be, just be yourself.
AW: Do you have anything you would want to apologize for from your past?
PD: Sure, I want to apologize to my mother-in-law, one time we were taking a family trip to the Disneyworld in Paris, and I made sure she got a cabin seat, far away from me because her breath stinks. I didn’t know she had a back problem.
AW: Anything you want to apologize for, maybe that has come up in the public eye?
PD: I want to apologize for not pivoting to internet video soon enough, soon you can see all new videos and recipes on my Youtube channel “The Paula Deen Network.”
AW: The holidays are quickly coming around the corner! What is a Deen tradition?
PD: I personally like to euthanize all of the animals that we use to make our Thanksgiving dinner.
AW: That’s amazing. What has been one of the hardest days of your life?
PD: Well, it would probably the day that my doctor said I can’t have any more sugar, or else my heart would get clogged. The most difficult part about that, was having to use Splenda in my sweet tea instead of regular sugar.
AW: That sounds difficult. Are you religious? What is your religion?
PD: My religion is Dr. Drew.
AW: Who do you think is going to win the presidential nomination this year?
PD: Well, I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any skin in the game. Trump said if he wins again, I could be the Secretary of Defense.
AW: Hm, interesting. What experience do you have in that sector?
PD: Have you ever tried fighting Rachel Ray for the 12 PM spot on the Food Network? The way that she fought me tooth and nail, you would get really defensive like I did.
AW: I see.
PD: She hired spies. I know they tapped my phones, sometimes I would see them hiding. She was who ultimately took me down.
AW: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
PD: In a hot tub eating chicken wings.
AW: Thanks so much for your time.
Paula at that time let me know that it was time for her supper. Supper meant the time between lunch and dinner. She let me know supper is usually then followed up by a movie, which she watches in her own personal movie theater on the ranch. The movie she chose today was Kung Fu Panda 2, she let me know it brings her joy, and a reminder of a time before quarantine.
Paula let me keep the oversized coffee cup, and an apron that said “Eat my ass, I’m the Chef” I was met again with Lucile, who helped me get into my jumper, and we started to board a new airplane that was stationed on Deen’s ranch.
I promised Paula that this would be good press for her and something that would help the public see her differently. I got in the airplane, and away we went. I waved at her from 50,000 feet in the air, and took a slow sip of my coffee.
