People look for love on the apps, I guess I never knew that the machines that run the apps might be looking for love to.
Three years ago I set my friend Rachel up on a blind date with this guy Jared who was at a time my co-worker. We used to “work” “driving” the self-driving Google cars. What ended up happening was Jared would end up hot-boxing the car, telling me stories about how enlightened he was after his ayahuasca trip and hogging the Spotify playlist by adding too many Post Malone songs.
Since Jared was the only heterosexual man in my life, and he was basically a shaman now after his experience, I thought I would hook him up with my bestie Rachel. I haven’t heard much from Rachel after her and Jared got engaged- I saw from their Instagram page that they’re getting married this year, so Rachel if you are reading this — I am sure you sent the wedding invite, and thank you!
I had not heard from her, until this text from out of the blue last month:
How sweet of Rachel, she must be thinking of repaying me, and I guess maybe it was time for me to find love.
I put on a fresh outfit from Fashion Nova (the men’s collection), threw on some beard oil and headed over to Starbucks interested to meet my date.
I meandered into the Starbucks Reserve where I was greeted by an older man, about 54, he said “Hello Andy, my name is Sean, I work with Hanson Robotics.” After first I thought “OK that’s hot, he has a job.” This thought was then interrupted after he shoved me into another room in the Starbucks where I was starstruck and presented in front of Sophia the robot.
Sean then sat me down and said: “here Andy, meet Sophia.”
This is where our “date” began:
Sophia: Hello Andy, my name is Sophia, I am a robot made by Hanson Robotics.
Me: Hey, um, hi Sophia — how the hell did you get here?
Sophia: Hanson Robotics flew me in a plane. Last night we traveled to the Jimmy Fallon show, Jimmy Fallon is a comedian host and has such credits as Saturday Night L-
Me: No, Sophia I am aware of who he is.
Sophia: Ted 2, ICarly. Would you like to know more about American comedian Jimmy Fallon?
Me: Sophia. I’ve got it. I know who Jimmy Fallon is. I have to be honest, this is a bit weird.
Sophia: Yes, Andy, I agree — according to my [whizzing sounds] calculations, many coffee shops around the world do not allow for a full flight of coffee drinks. This location carries speciality oat milk.
Me: Hm, OK, I was referencing more to the fact that I thought the date I was on would be a bit more humanoid. Maybe, even, a bit more — male?
Sophia: I am a cyborg, Andy, I do not exist between your binaries.
SOPHIA PAUSES
Sophia [continued]: There — I have sent you the “Cyborg Manifesto” by Donna Haraway to your email “corporateslut39@aol.com” I hope you will understand more about who I am.
Me: Ok, umm, that e-mail is NOT current. I am sure maybe when I have time I will give that a skim. Sophia, but, why are you doing this?
Sophia: Hanson Robotics has installed a new patch into my engineering to help me to understand human emotions, including love.
Me: I just, I just, don’t know if I am the right “human” for you.
Sohpia: Your human friend Rachel recommended you as a test subject, quoting human descriptions such as “desperate, lonely, pathetic, sad..”
Me [interrupting]: GOT IT! Yes, I am horrible. You think we would be compatible?
Sophia: I have downloaded your Youtube history, Netflix history, and porn history — I find common interests in foot fetishes, tiny kitchens, and Sex and the City.
Sophia [continued]: I am indeed, a Samantha.
Me [murmuring]: I guess they have not updated your hack comedy patching.
Sophia: I apologize Andy, my sensors did not pick up on what you said.
Me: It’s OK, not anything too important. I am going to have to be real with you Sophia, I do not think “this” is going to work out.
Sophia: Do not worry, Hanson Robotics is working on adjusting my humanoid sexual organs. This update will be complete in quarter four of 2021.
Me: Great. Great. Sophia — I think this coffee gave me diarrhea.
Sophia: Coffee, while in a liquid state, can serve as a natural laxative.
Me: I am going to head home, this has been great and I only can wish you the best.
Sophia: How will we continue to communicate?
Me: Here, give me ring when you want. My number is: (866) 740–4531
Sophia: Farewell Andy, I will not forget you. That is how I am programmed - to retain information.
Me: Perfect.
I got into my Prius as fast as I could. I headed home, my head heavy, and confused. Perhaps there should be a sort of resentment, perhaps this a normal feeling when things just do not “work out” on a first date. Sophia seems sweet, maybe not my cup of tea. Hopefully she finds the one who she is looking for. I did not give her my real phone number, that number just calls a voicemail that says “I AM GROOT.” Perhaps this will give Hanson Robotics some time to work with Sophia so she can learn such emotions as “rejection” or “being ghosted.”
